I've floundered a bit trying to decide what to write to you next. Until this morning, that is. I've delayed writing because the pain has been worse this week, or perhaps my ability to cope with it is slipping. Either way, I have hurt more and rested less, though most nights I have passed out cold from the pain and awakened 10 to 12 hours later to discover that it is still with me. Still at every turn I am comforted by God's grace and humbled by His faithfulness even in the smallest things.
It has been daunting to think of going back to work this week. The plan had been for me to attend a weekly staff meeting yesterday then work a full day today. Honestly, I was a little resentful. My supervisor had asked me last week to return to work this week. I wasn't feeling ready. I thought it was somewhat arbitrary and hardhearted of my supervisor to make that demand when he couldn't possibly know how I would be doing at this point in the healing process. I fretted a good bit about whether returning to work too quickly would send me on another downward spiral. Then I did what I always do: I gritted my teeth and tried to play through the pain, ignoring my better instincts and resigning myself to the fact that suffering may be a prominent part of my life, period.
Can you hear that? All the sinful self pity in that stinkin' thinkin'? It is almost deafening to me now, yet I marvel at how I miss it every time it starts. It's like a radio left on in the background. I don't even notice it until something jolts me out of the fog. Then suddenly I hear how grating it is. If it's that irritating to me I can't begin to imagine how odious it is to God.
God, who has been so gentle and compassionate with me in this little trial. God who has given me outstanding doctors and money to pay for their services and the medicines they prescribe. God who has given me amazing friends who support me and pray for me despite my sinful, self pitying ways and my vision too often turned inward.
God got me up and bathed and dressed and down the highway yesterday in time for that two hour staff meeting. God gave me the freedom and grace to tell my supervisor during the meeting that it was not going to work for me to return to work today. God softened my supervisor's heart and inclined him to allow me to have today off, and more - to leave yesterday's meeting early when the pain overpowered me.
And because God has a sense of humor (no, the Sense of Humor, the one that started them all) He had me reread the emails from my supervisor when I got home from that meeting. You know what I discovered? It wasn't my supervisor who said I should return to work yesterday. It was me, myself and I, binding myself to another "should" of my own design. The fact of the matter is that my supervisor had actually gone out of his way to say that if I felt returning to work this week would be too much too soon I could delay coming back until next week. In my highly craptacular quest for martyrdom I apparently saw fit to overlook that kindness completely. Consequently I did no small amount of worrying earlier this week, using plenty of energy that could have been directed to healing or Bible study or prayer about anything else besides how miserably unrealistic it was for me to have to return to work yesterday (the topic of an excess of my prayer time this week).
There is a reason Be Thou My Vision is one of my favorite hymns. Left to my own devices, even with two eyes working, I so often see things wrong. Abba, forgive me. Lord, hear my prayer. Please teach me to see everything the way You would have me see it. God, direct my focus. Let me always seek Your face.
And in this humbling realization there is grace, too. This week I signed up for one of those online Bible reading plans where you read through the whole Bible in a year. I love doing Bible study, but the sad truth is that unless I'm currently in an ongoing study I rarely make time to be in the Word every day. After praying about how to steep myself intentionally more in the Word the lightbulb came on and I signed up for one of the plans offered through BibleGateway.com. Yesterday's and today's Old Testament readings have highlighted the life of King David during the era of his monarchy. They have chronicled his successes in battle and his compassion for his friend Jonathan's family in the midst of all those victories. The next chapter after the moving account of David's compassionate outreach to Jonathan's crippled son is the story of David's sin with Bathsheba, culminating in the murder of her husband, Uriah, a dedicated soldier for and faithful servant of the King. I don't think it's a coincidence that today's New Testament reading is the story of the Prodigal Son, following immediately on the heels of the parable of the lost sheep and the parable of the lost coin.
How gracious of God to communicate to us clearly and repeatedly that He understands our failings and always stands ready to forgive our repentant hearts! He knows full well how prone we are to sin by worshiping our own twisted hearts and lifting up our own selfish desires, even riding high on seasons spilling over with His love. Praise Him, He knows. Yet He persists in loving us, in pursuing us and drawing us to Him with cords of love!
You know what comes next:
Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best thought by day or by night
Waking or sleeping Thy presence my light
Be thou my wisdom and Thou my true word
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord
Thou my great Father, I, Thy true son
Thou in me dwelling and I with Thee one
Riches I heed not nor man's empty praise
Thou mine inheritance now and always
Thou and Thou only first in my heart
High King of heaven my treasure Thou art
High King of heaven my victory won
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heaven's Son
Heart of my own heart whatever befall
Still be my vision O Ruler of all!
No comments:
Post a Comment