I've floundered about what to write next. The past week has been another roller coaster ride. Late last week I thought I was feeling better. I decided to cut back on my pain meds. It didn't go well. I needed soothing. Someone had told me about this hot springs nearby where you can go for a mineral bath and wrap for a very reasonable fee. I researched it. It sounded detoxifying, healing, refreshing, and relaxing. I decided to go for it. It was a mistake.
I have this allergic rash on my hands. It started 4 years ago as a tiny patch of irritation on one finger that would not heal. Over the years it has spread to both my hands. At times it looks like eczema, and at other times it appears more like psoriasis. There are times when it resembles nothing else common, and times when it disappears altogether for a while. My doctors have not been able to agree on what exactly it is or hit on any treatment that makes it manageable for long. At this point all we know for certain is that it is triggered and exacerbated by things I'm allergic to including environmental and food sensitivities.
The massive doses of steroids I had to take for the shingles quelled the rash. The mineral bath and wrap made it rebound with a vengeance. The problem is that the rash is not only painful and unsightly. It is also debilitating. There is a constant risk of infection because the skin is so degraded. My skin deteriorates to the point where if I am bathing and washing my hands every day I am not able to do the dishes, clean house, or work in the yard. My body is allergic to synthetic fibers including latex. Rubber gloves don't work. Cotton gloves work until they become wet or covered with other things my body reacts to, such as chemicals in most soaps and grass. It is a vicious cycle.
The challenge is figuring out how to live my life while managing the rash and its consequences. It is easier now that my body doesn't have to contend with the added complication of altitude sickness. It is also easier now that the systemic inflammation in my body has decreased and I am no longer in overwhelming constant pain or experiencing immobilizing chronic fatigue every day. Yes, I still hurt occasionally and I am often tired. Now, though, the pain passes and with rest the exhaustion abates. I am incredibly grateful to God for those miraculous kindnesses in the middle of this ongoing illness.
I am also confused from time to time about what I am supposed to pray for in this situation. Frankly, God has already given me so much healing that at times it seems downright selfish to want and ask for more. Yet that is exactly how I feel and what I do. The apostle Paul wrote that he prayed three times for God to remove the thorn in his flesh. God's response to Paul was that God's grace is sufficient and His power is made perfect in weakness. Part of me wonders if I have already received that answer from God but have chosen to ignore it in hopes of wearing Him down into giving me a different response. So I focus on what Jesus said in the Garden: If it is possible, take this suffering from me, yet not my will but Your will be done. And I beg God to help me see everything the way He would have me see it. I pray earnestly for me to lead a life that glorifies Him, delights Him, and brings Him great joy. Then I ask Him to delight me and bring me great joy, too. I pray for Him to help me not be so blinded by the hardships that I miss the moments of sheer delight.
One of those moments happened Friday, the day before yesterday. At the end of a long day I was meeting with my supervisor. It was past time for me to take my pain medication and I was hurting but doing my best to carry on and finish the work day well. I told my boss that one of my clients had to take their kids to the vet. He chuckled, regained his composure and asked me to repeat what I had just said. So I told him again that one of my clients had to take their kids to the vet. This time he laughed out loud and asked me if I heard myself. I said yes, then spoke the sentence more slowly and realized my mistake. He and I both laughed until we had tears in our eyes spilling over. It is difficult to say which one of us needed that moment of mirth the most. Within the last two weeks a member of my supervisor's immediate family has been diagnosed with advanced inoperable cancer. God knows. And He knows what we need to keep moving forward through the muck of this sin-sick world. I keep coming back to Gitz' take on joy: the unwavering conviction that God is in control and has blessed me to be a part of what He is doing, not despite my circumstances, but because of them.
So I do my best to follow her lead and Choose Joy. And in the meantime, while I wait on the Lord, I revel in praising Him for His goodness and mercy, even as I pray for more of it to be lavished on me. I pray the same for you, His Beloved, wherever you are as you read this. As a matter of fact, I pray for you every day. My prayer thus far has always been the same: That God would bless you and draw you closer to Him through our time together here. If there is something more specific that I can pray for you, will you please let me know? It would be such a privilege and a pleasure to lift you up before Our Father, in the name of His Son, and by the power of His Spirit! You can reach me privately at imanikesi@gmail.com or post your requests publicly in the comments section here.
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